Sunday, 5 February 2012

Recovering from B.O


Admittedly, I pick some strange titles for my blog, even if I do say so myself. 
I just can’t help it.

December 2011 marked the end of my 10/11 weeks of pregnancy, hence my long absence (again) from social networking.     
 
For those women (like me) who experienced the thrilling moment of finding out that they were pregnant for the first time, may also identify with me when I say, I floated on waves of excitement after receiving the news.
My brain went into overdrive and then overload with many questions and answers (a few listed below):
  • Who can I tell now? Boss.  
  • Didn’t I have a rum and coke last week? Oh God! The poor baby – straight out of the womb and into AA meetings.  
  • Shall I even tell my husband or shall I wait until I’m 12 weeks? No I can’t wait – I must call him now – oh no, he won’t answer his phone. 
  • When am I due? Sometime in June 2012 I guess. 
  • Oh it can’t be true, shall I take another test? Maybe 9 positive tests were enough.

In true Lady Fro style, I started to reorganize my life and made changes. From the type of food I ate to the toiletries used and my finances. 
Seemingly, I was doing all the right things until that horrid morning, when I was given a frightful wake up call at about 5am. Light spotting was the shrilling alarm that transformed me from a collected woman into a mad hatter. From that point on, fear over took my excitement and overshadowed (in different degrees at different stages) the remainder of my pregnancy.

Over several weeks I was monitored through transvaginal scans and was eventually told that I had B.O. There I go again (but had to lighten the mood folks). What the Sonographer actually said was that I experienced a Blighted Ovum also known as a missed miscarriage (see http://tinyurl.com/87v88vf for more information).

Sadness engulfed my fear in slow motion. With every blatent reminder around me, tears sprung up and flowed uncontrollably to drench my array of down casting emotions
While sensibility offered reason for the depth of my feelings – I was full of hormones - my heart and hopes were shattered with grief and there was no horizon in sight. 
Disappointment after such an ordeal is to be expected, but what surprised me was that the experience left me feeling like a fraud, punished, ashamed, incompetent and quite simply - rubbish.

BUT in moments like these you learn how to really define love. My husband (he’s just so awesome), family and boss knew me enough to give me the support that I needed to help me recover from despair. Juicy baby Ava also deserves a special mention as she was partly responsible for many of my smiles (when I heard of her antics at home from her lovely Nan, or watched her video on YouTube (check out http://tinyurl.com/ckcnfzc Ava J and Jessie J))

The future is bright readers, and the horizon is clear as I look beyond the haze.

Lady patiently awaits her BabyInNine reality to begin.